Corona Virus and Mental Health

My city isn't under lockdown, in fact, we have only about 12 cases as of the latest count. Of course, they aren't testing people without symptoms, so we don't know how many we actually have. I am not a very sociable person, don't go much of anywhere other than to the grocery store or an occasional shopping trip. I don't go to movies, bars, or restaurants.

So why do I feel so trapped?

I have lupus, and for years, I've had to bear the slings and arrows of people who don't recognize that I'm sick because it's an invisible illness. Luckily, it's been deemed inactive for two years due to having negative ANA testing, but anything could spring it back into top gear at any time.

So now I'm the one looking at people suspiciously. Every time I have to go shopping, or just go for a walk, I wonder "Does she have it? Does he have it?" See, the good thing about lupus is that it's not contagious, so even though it's invisible, it won't hurt anyone else. Corona virus isn't that kind. It's non-discriminatory as to who gets it, and people like me, over 65 with a chronic illness, are more likely to die from it.

I've always been happier outdoors than indoors, and luckily, I have a garden area to work in outside my apartment. But it's getting hot already, so I can only go out early in the mornings or early evening. I always feel trapped in the summer, because heat is a lupus sufferer's worst enemy, so without a car, I'm pretty much trapped inside most of the summer.

I'm never prepared for being housebound in the summer. It always makes me a little bit crazier than I already am. But I can usually count on occasional trips to the shopping center for some social interaction. Now I don't even have that. I have to stay six feet away from people, and spray everything down with alcohol, and worry if they cough or sneeze. It's just too much. If I'm feeling trapped now, just imagine how bad it will be by August.

The internet and social media just isn't enough. I need people. I need conversation and hugs. I don't know how I'm going to get through this emotionally. If I get the virus, I have no family here. No close friends who don't have underlying health conditions. I'll be totally alone.

No one could have told me that I would be living like this at my age. I thought my husband and I would be sitting on rocking chairs on the front porch on our farm in the country, watching the chickens scratch around the yard, waving to the neighbors as they drove by.  I know I have it better than some, and I count my blessings every day, but right now, I'm having a hard time being optimistic about this virus.

But the sun is shining and the birds are singing and I'm going out for a walk.