Boredom Can Be a Slow Death All In and Of Itself

This is not a happy, cheerful post. When I started writing, I wanted to be cheerful, but realistic. I haven't been able to keep that up, so I haven't been posting much. I just feel the need to vent today.

When this all started, I thought "Well, this won't be much different from my normal life." I stay home most of the time. I putter in my garden, play on line, work a bit to feed the coffers. I'm never bored.

Until now.

The huge difference is that I can't go do the things I used to do when I was bored. Before, I could walk two blocks to the thrift store and see if there was anybody else's discards I couldn't live without. I could walk to the shopping center and look around at things I can't afford, maybe pick up a plant or two from the markdown rack at the big box store, grab some fried chicken at the grocery deli, or splurge on a smoothie.

I've missed spring completely. With my lupus, spring only lasts until it gets over 80F during the day, and those days are already here. I didn't even get to enjoy spring, because I couldn't go anywhere or do anything. I couldn't cruise through the garden centers or leisurely stroll through the grocery store. Now it's hot, and all the plans I had for spring are back on the shelf until Fall.

I did get a bit done in the garden, but I usually hold a spring plant sale, which I couldn't this year, so I started giving plants away, leaving them outside my gate for people to pick up. I made a few plant trades this way, but it's sad not being able to talk to people when they come by. That was always my favorite part of trading, selling, and giving away plants -- meeting other gardeners, maybe making a friend.

I've never been a people person, but now I miss people. I miss just watching them do what they're doing, chatting with them in stores, greeting them on the streets. It's a strange feeling for a veritable recluse to miss these small, but obviously meaningful, interactions with other human beings.


Right before this started, I had planned to start a small resale business, because I have boxes and boxes of stuff I don't need, so I figured why not sell it? I also was going to go to thrift stores and pick up small things I could carry (I don't have a car). That didn't happen because I need some metal shelving, and even if I order it, I can't put it together by myself and I can't have anyone in to help me put it together. Besides, the thrift stores are closed.

Online work had pretty much dried up. Now there is a tiny bit, but it gets grabbed so quickly, I barely get one or two small tasks before they are all gone. Besides, it's depressing writing product descriptions for e-commerce sites, making rich people richer and giving bored people sitting at home the opportunity to spend money they don't have on things they don't need -- because they are bored.

Boredom kills your enthusiasm for anything you COULD do. I could learn a language, take a course, a million things they're offering for free now. Every day I say I'm going to exercise, and every day I don't, but that's nothing new. I've been doing that for years. At first, I was getting a lot done. I deep cleaned the house, organized a lot of drawers and shelves, and dug up half my garden. Now it's all come undone, and I just don't care. I just want to GO SOMEWHERE!

But I can't. Because I have a chronic disease that makes me more susceptible to a deadly disease that can take my life in a cascade of organ failure that would not be a pleasant way to die -- alone.

We all thought this would soon be over, and we could get back to our normal lives. Now we sit day after day, watching people die needlessly, feeling so lucky we aren't on the front lines, and waiting for our governors to extend our imprisonment for yet another 30 days.

Isolation changes you. At some point, people are going to pour into the streets and just get on with it. Either that, or they're going to start doing abominable things when they lose their minds. This morning, when I was wandering around my tiny apartment trying to figure out what it was I was supposed to be doing (it was making tea), I thought "I have to get out of here. I'm losing my mind." I think that behavior is a pretty sure sign I already have.

I have a doctor's appointment on the 18th. I'll have to get there somehow. I've been begging my son to send me the F95 mask he said he would send, and he's said he's sending it, but he doesn't. His reasoning is that if he sends it, I'll "go somewhere." Well, I'm going somewhere on the 18th whether he likes it or not, mask or not. I have to go. I have to get a refill on a restricted prescription for which I need paper prescriptions, which then I have to fill in person at the pharmacy so I can show my ID. I'm going out into the world, because I have no choice.

At least on that one day, I won't be bored, but I'll probably be terrified for the next two weeks waiting to see if I'm going to die.

Which at this point, doesn't seem like a bad option.