I Can't Go On Pretending Everything Is Fine in My Life

MY

LIFE

SUCKS

I'm putting all of this in writing because nobody listens when I talk to them, so I just pretend everything's fine to make other people feel better. No more. Maybe nobody will read this, and even if they do, many of them will blow it off and forget about it. I've had to face the fact that I have no true friends. Not one. Social media friends don't count. They aren't real friends, and you know how I know? Because when I quit social media, they all want to know how to stay in touch with me, and I tell them -- but they never do.

I never thought I'd be living like this in my old age. I've been pretending for so long that I'm o.k. with it, but I"m not. I'm not. I'm not o.k. 

I had a job, a car, a house, a life. It wasn't much, but it was mine. Then it was all gone, and now I have nothing but this dinky little apartment where I'm faced with parting with most of the things I treasure because it's too small to hold them, and I can't afford anything else. I'm literally STUCK here because rents have gone up so much, I can't afford to move, and I want to move. I want to move out of this state. Florida is a horrible hunk of red shit that makes me want to puke every day I wake up in it.

I live on a little more than $1,000 a month, and that's just if I count the food stamps. My SS check is $834 and the food stamps are $188. If I get a job, I'll lose my health care, because I can't make enough to cover everything that will be taken away from me if I earn too much. I have no savings. None. Zilch. Zip. Nada.

Oh, WAIT -- I can't get a job because I don't have a car, and there's a pandemic, and there are no fucking jobs anyway, so just forget about that. My life only consists of what lies within a 2 mile radius of my apartment right now. I can't even ride the bus to go anywhere else.

I never in my entire life thought I'd be 68 years old living in a tiny apartment, getting most of my furniture from besides dumpsters, and not have enough money to own a car. Never. It never crossed my mind. When I lost it all -- job, car, house, savings -- I thought I'd move here and ride the bus awhile, work online and everything would be o.k.

It's been 10 years. It's not o.k. It's not going to be o.k. I'm not going to be o.k. Nothing is ever going to be o.k. again.

The things that I pretend are important to me are not important. I don't give a shit about my garden, in fact, I want it gone -- just gone so I never have to worry about it again. In fact, I'm working on just that -- getting rid of it all. When the one thing that was keeping you going doesn't matter anymore, it's time to stop pretending.

Social media is depressing as hell. I hate it. I don't know why I'm on it, except it's my only contact with the outside world, aside from the person who gives me a ride to the store, who is probably going to give me COVID one day because he's so damned irresponsible. My other choice is the bus. I guess it doesn't matter where I get COVID, because I know I'll get it sooner or later, and I probably won't survive. That's not actually an unhappy thought.

I had dreams once, but I have none now. I've been in survival mode so long, I don't know how to actually live, which I guess is o.k., since I have no real life.

 So I just keep living this miserable, worthless, meaningless life because if I did something to end it, my children would blame it all on themselves and it would mess up their lives. God knows, I've messed up their lives enough with my horrible parenting for so many years. I don't know why they even talk to me anymore. 

No, this isn't just depression. No, I won't snap out of it in a few days. This is the absolute end of pretending that my life is anything other than it is, and that I'm ever happy, because I'm not. I doubt I ever will be again. 

This is the end of the person you think you know on social media. That's not me. This is me. Just so you'll know before I quit social media again, close all my blogs and sink into oblivion.

I know no one will read this, but it makes me feel better just to write it. 

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