Appreciating the People Who Are There When You Truly Need Them

Good morning, my lovelies! Before I launch my final efforts to get things done for my son's arrival this evening, I wanted to share my thoughts. Lately, I've been counting my blessings a lot, and today, I wanted to say how blessed I feel to have sons who will travel all the way across the country to spend time helping me with whatever I need done. I hope these will be great memories for them when I'm gone, and I try to make the time special, since it's always so short.

I've done nothing to deserve this much love and care. I was never a great mom. Yet, here they are, doing what needs to be done to make my life better and easier in any way they can. I joke that they're probably doing it so I won't come live with them, but I know it's purely out of love.

So this time, I also get to be here for my older son, who just lost his wife. I hope our time together helps him heal in some small way. At least when he's here, I can hug him and comfort him like I haven't been able to do over the phone or online. This visit was planned long ago, and has been postponed twice now, and even after all his troubles lately, he was determined to make it happen.

So look into your life and notice who has been there for you when you really, really needed them. Who was there after your trials, when everyone else had moved on, but you couldn't? Say a special prayer, light a special candle, send some special energy out for those people. They are few and far between.
Have a lovely day! I love and appreciate you all.

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Being Thankful for Things That DIDN'T Work Out

When I was 15, I was madly in love with a 17 year old boy. It was a summer romance, and my life was in chaos due to family problems and school bullying. Before summer ended, right before school started, I broke up with him, because I just couldn't handle one more thing on my plate. I tried, in vain, to get back in touch with him over the years but he went into the service, then married when he got out. Life went on. 

Not long ago, I was going through a box of things from my school years while decluttering and ran across a letter from a mysterious "Jimmy" and a mention of that Jimmy in my diary. I went to Facebook to look for him, and ended up finding my old boyfriend in the process. I messaged him, never expecting to really hear from him since he didn't seem to be a regular poster on Facebook, but I did. He didn't remember me at first, so I sent him my senior HS picture, and then he did. We chatted about our lives since high school, our families, and many other things. I was hoping we could be friends, and he seemed amenable to that, but then things went terribly awry.

Old feelings can be malicious things, rushing back in, sweeping your common sense aside. Somewhere in the midst of that chaos, we started to argue, and I saw things about him that I wish now I hadn't seen. For a fleeting moment, he was the same, sweet boy I had loved so much, but I soon figured out that he had demons that were determined to destroy our tentative hold on an ongoing friendship. We decided that it would be best not to communicate anymore, although I assured him I would always be here if he needed a friend. It was so painful, and I felt just like that 15-year-old girl who had lost her love. Tears flowed like someone had died, but it wasn't someone, it was a part of me that I had stuffed down long ago. I feel sad, but finally free of all that teenage angst and heartbreak.

 I will always love that sweet, shy 17-year-old boy, but I'm glad the universe kept us apart. I wouldn't have been able to handle the person Viet Nam turned him into. We would have destroyed each other, and gone on to destroy other people as well. As it was, he found the perfect wife, and has been with her for 34 years. They have a beautiful, close family that holds them up when tragedy hits, like her diagnosis of Alzheimer's three years ago. 

I often complained about my life situations to my father, and he always said, "You're right where you're supposed to be. You just can't see that yet, but down the road, you will." On many occasions, I've found that he was so right. I can't go back and change the past, and even if I could, should I? Shouldn't we all travel the paths the universe determines for us so we can become the people we are supposed to become?

 So no matter what life throws you, no matter how much it hurts, you have to be thankful for the things that didn't work out...because they were never meant to.  

The End of Concern

 

Once I  told my son that I was depressed, and he said "I can't be responsible for your mental health." So now he's angry with me -- again -- and while I can't say I don't care, I'm way past trying to do anything about it. I'm just not concerned. He'll either come out of it, or he won't. I'm sort of used to my children not speaking to me for years at a time, but I'm too old to worry about it anymore. They're adults. They can make their own choices. 

In short, I'm only concerned with what makes my life right here where I am better or worse. There are not a lot of things I have control over, and people's feelings certainly are not one of them. Don't get me wrong. I try to be a nice person, encourage others, be kind and generous. I simply can no longer let my life and happiness be dictated by things outside the scope of my everyday life. 

 

I simply don't have the energy to try to save the world anymore. My feet are sore from walking on eggshells for so long, just trying to be what everyone else wants me to be and not being able to be myself. 

I don't want to be "successful." I'll always find a way to survive, and if my way doesn't appeal to you, so be it. I'm never going to be rich, or even middle class. This is the life I've chosen, the one where I'm not so stressed every day that my body breaks down to the point where I can't enjoy the life I have. 

I just want to relax. I don't want to fight. I don't want to change. I don't want to work hard. I may not like my living environment right now, but that's one thing I can change, and I will, eventually. I may move to another city and I may move to another country. I may move into an RV. Whatever I do, it will be my choice and I'll make it without consideration of what other people think I should do, because it's not their concern.

 

I won't stop caring about people, especially not my children, but I've stopped letting what they think I should be and do concern me. I'm only concerned with making my little corner of the world as pleasant and happy as I can. I can't fix anyone else.

 

 

The Saga of Angel: How to Tame a Seemingly Demonic Stray

Angel, Sitting the Window Getting Some Sun

 

 Angel is in demon cat mode this morning, but that's o.k. She's only this way a little bit now, as opposed to 24/7 when I got her. Right now, she's banned from the bedroom because she wants to bite, and once she gets calmed down, I'll give her the Rescue Remedy so she'll go to sleep. Then I can hopefully get her flea meds on. I have failed at that for the past two days. She absolutely hates them, so I have to wait until she's very soundly sleeping to sneak them onto her.

Angel is the most damaged stray I've ever had. I admit, I almost gave up on her several times at first, because she was so aggressive and destructive, and I have the scars on my ankles to prove it! So how did I do it? I stopped punishing her, and started loving her and giving her more attention. I petted her and told her what a good cat she was every time I passed by her. I played with her a lot, outside and inside. The only punishment she gets now is being locked out of the bedroom when she's too rambunctious. 

So now she's showing me her tummy, and letting me scratch it a little. She lets me scratch down next to her tail, and under her chin. She isn't really snuggling yet, but she will sometimes come and sit by me and want love. I think she knows I'm not going to abandon her, but she's still a bit wary that I'll disappear. 

She loves to be outside, even in the heat, although she will come in if it's too hot. She doesn't even want to come in during gentle rainstorms anymore. Thunder doesn't freak her out, because she knows she has a safe place to go. Mowers and other loud  noises still scare her, but they scare all cats. 

She hates the vacuum! The other day, after I had vacuumed and before I put it away, she attacked it and knocked it over, then peed on it. Instead of punishing her, I simply turned it on and let it run for awhile, to show her it wouldn't hurt her. She hid, then came out and walked around it at a safe distance, finally trying to put her paw on it, She still hates it, but it doesn't scare her as much.

She wants to be outside at night, because Boo kitty is outside at night. I don't hear them fighting, so I hope they are working out their differences. She sits in the window, waiting for Boo to come out, then runs to the door and meows and gives a hiss to get out. She associates hissing with Boo, so I know that's what she's talking about When I try to get her in, she'll hiss if she wants to stay out with Boo a while longer, so I let her. She never goes far from the house, because Boo never does. She's very protective of Boo. The other day, there was a bad thunderstorm and she came running to the door, and when I opened it thinking she wanted to come in, she just stood there and hissed, and ran out into the yard, trying to get me to follow her. I didn't see Boo, but she hissed again and ran under the fence, so evidently, Boo and she have found a safe place somewhere beyond the fence to be during storms. 

I honestly love this cat more than I should, but she'll never replace the original Angel. I still miss her, and feel her presence, feel her jumping up on the bed and snuggling up next to me. Maybe I'm imagining it, but there are things in life we can't explain. 

If you are looking for a cat, please consider getting a shelter cat. Many times, they need much more attention, love and patience, but they are well worth the work and time  involved. 

The Saga of Angel: A New Behavior and Torment by The Ghost Kitties

 

Angel stalking a lizard

Angel is being a bit of a pain today, but not as much as yesterday. This morning was something new. She climbed under the covers and went for my feet to wake me up. SERIOUSLY?? I got her out and loved her for what she considers the requisite 5 minutes in the morning, then she tried to bite me, so I let her out.

That's our routine in the morning, wake me up, demand 5 minutes of intense scratching and petting, then that's enough and she wants to go check out what's outside.

For everyone who thinks cats should not be let outside, you never had a cat like this. She would tear the door down if I didn't let her out, and claw my legs to pieces every time I walked by. She was a stray who was turned in to the animal shelter, so she's used to the outdoors. Still, some things scare her, so she'll come running to the door, begging to get back in. She never goes far, just in the front yard and maybe under the fence so she can climb the tree to get onto the top of the fence, but there is something over there that scares her now, so she doesn't do that much any more.

She stays inside most of the day and all night, and I make sure she is inside if I go anywhere. She's like a dog -- comes when I call, if only to say "Well, I'm here, but I don't want to go inside."

My original Angel slept all day and stayed out all night with her sidekick, Bitser, my other cat. When he died, she would just sit under the oak tree on his grave and wait for him to come play with her. She finally found another neighborhood cat to hang out with at night. She had a cat door that let her into the back porch and the garage. I couldn't have a cat door into the house, because we had raccoons and possums that would come in lured by the smell of cat food. We didn't have stray dogs in the neighborhood, and no intact male cats or ferals, plus plenty of trees for her to climb up to get away, so she was safe. When she got older, she didn't want to go outside at night much, and preferred to just snuggle up to me and sleep. 

 

So there are two ghost kitties now, and I believe it's the original Angel and Bitser, because they tend to show up together, and they like to torment little Angel. They will sit outside the bedroom window and make her try to claw at the glass to get at them. They will  hide all around the house, and make her try to get to them. It's the same games they used to play with each other. They will jump up on the bed just like they did before, with Ghost kitty Angel walking up the side of the bed and snuggling up next to me, and Ghost kitty Bitser sleeping down next to my feet. Sometimes when I turn over, I feel like I hit something next to my foot that is holding down the covers. Bitser used to love to do that, in fact, sometimes he would sleep between my legs so I couldn't roll over at all.

 

Maybe that's who Angel was chasing up under the covers this morning.

 

Boo came to visit yesterday, and I got Angel inside so I could give her love. She talked to me a bit, then growled like she was talking about Angel being mean to her. When Angel came back out, she started to go after Boo, but I stopped her, and I didn't hear any fighting. I left them sitting about three feet apart, but not growling, so progress. 

 

Boo is about 8 years old now, and I'm going to build her a step ladder on the fence so she can get down into the yard more easily. I've been wanting to do it for years, but she seemed to be very good at jumping down from the fence. Now she seems like it pains her, and I found some old lumber by the dumpster, so I'll get my friend Richard to help me build something. I really love her, and would like to let her back into the house, but I can't even imagine the fight that would ensue! I've gotten her as far as the front door, but she won't come in.

 

Anyway, things are always interesting here, especially since I brought little Angel home. I like to imagine them playing together, and sometimes, I catch a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye, and I just know it's them. I don't know how many ghost kitties I actually have. I've had dozens of kitties over the years, but most have gone on across the rainbow bridge and never visit. These two have never seemed to want to leave, and that's fine with me. 

The Saga of Angel: An Explanation of Her Behavior and a Hopeful Solution

 

Last night, during the fireworks, Angel went berserk. She was vocalizing, chasing around like something was chasing her, and seemed to be hallucinating. She wouldn't let me touch her, and was hissing at imaginary whatevers. I knew the fireworks were stressing her, but she's never acted like this! I Googled "cat acting like she's having hallucinations" and found an article that explained it all very well. Seems she may have a disorder called "Feline Hyperesthesia." It gets much worse during stressful times, and when she wasn't all well by this morning, I realized that it was likely her indoor environment that was also contributing to it.

I have been working for hours on moving boxes around so that Angel will have a more open and safe space. Managed to stack them so that she now has several little hidey holes and a way to climb up high, where she has a cushy box top covered in a quilted bedspread. She's already been exploring, and has given her approval. She's still spending most of her time outside, where she has space to run and play and hide, but I'm hoping this will make her want to stay inside more.

I live in such a small place, and while I'm decluttering and getting rid of most of what I own, she's been sort of pushed around and had no "play space." I'll still be decluttering, but will try to always arrange the boxes so that she has a livable area.

I didn't realize how stressed she was until last night, when she literally went into fits during the fireworks going off, because she had no place to hide. Now I'm going to create several hidey holes and climbing spaces for her all around the apartment so she will always have a place to go to feel safe.

Poor baby. I've been so concerned with my own projects, I didn't realize how much they affected her. I've never had a cat in such a small apartment, because I've never lived in such a small apartment. Once the decluttering is done, I'll build her the cat tower I've been collecting wood for, but right now, she will just have to do with climbing box mountains.

Hope you're having a lovely day, and remember that it costs nothing to be kind.

The Saga of Angel the Cat: Obnoxious Cats and How to Live With Them

As some of you may know, I have a 10-month old kitten named Angel. I've had her for about 3 months now, and she's a challenge to say the least. She was a stray, so she had developed some bad habits that I'm finding a little hard to break. Still, she's young, so even though I want to give up on her sometimes, I won't because when she wants to be, she's a very loving, sweet cat. These are her stories.

Had to rescue a baby snake from Angel this morning. I think it was a baby pine woods snake, or a red rat snake. I was assured we don't have copperheads in this area, so WHEW!

Anyway, Angel is being a bit better, but she has her days when I can just not stop her from being destructive. Catnip seems to calm her, and is much cheaper than the Rescue Remedy. She's mad at me right now because I locked her out of the BR all night. I've never had to do that before, but last night, she just would not calm down. So she threw litter all over the floor and didn't even cover her poo. She knows I hate that. I can't seem to find the right amount of litter for her box. If it's too shallow, she won't cover things. If it's too deep, she tosses it out on the floor. First world problem.

She's permanently banned from the bathroom due to using the bathtub as a litter box in acts of revenge and spitefulness. Last time, I stuck her nose in it, which stopped her for awhile, but then she did it again, so the door stays closed.

She knows the eating schedule well now, and will just come ask politely in her purry little talking voice for food if she has none, or if it's close to time for her wet food at night. If I tell her it's too early, she will wait longer, but she's back within 30 minutes of that time, so I usually just give in then and feed her. I need to teach her to read a clock, and I have no doubt she could learn it!

She has been giving me a hard time getting her inside after her early evening outside time. She hisses, and will tear around the yard, while I chase around behind her with the water squirter. I had to use a towel to catch her one night when I couldn't find her until after dark. She hated that, so now she will finally run into the house in response to the sprayer, but then she sits on her window seat and hisses at me, or bites at my ankles.

Her worst trick is when she comes into the bedroom when I'm settled in to watch some tv at night and begs to play, then refuses to play. She gets locked out for that too. 

 

She and Boo still do not get along, and Boo is now afraid to come into our yard, because Angel attacks her. Maybe one day they'll be friends, but I somehow doubt it. Angel is like "This is MY person, and MY yard and YOU need to STAY OUT!" Boo is old, around 8 years now, and she doesn't want to fight with Angel anymore. I miss her. She's such a sweet cat. 

I've considered rehoming Angel many times, but she is so sweet and loving sometimes, I just can't. I know she'd do better in a bigger house with more room to run around, and maybe one day I'll have a bigger place, but for now, she's stuck in this tiny place, so  I have to let her outside. She doesn't go far, just right around our little "yard." She doesn't go under the fence anymore, but she will go and walk on top of it. I think she does that to terrorize Boo kitty. 

I have to go let her back in now. It's lunch time, and she knows it, so she's crying at the door.

My Name is Deborah, and I Am An Addict

I swore that this month, I would forego all social media to get things done. Yeah, right. 

So I gave up FB -- except for keeping in touch with my closest "friends" on there through messenger. I don't see their posts, but they tell me everything they're doing. In fact, I spend more time messaging them than I ever did commenting on their posts. 

I've never seen any of these people in person, although some of them live in my city. I'd love to meet them, but -- COVID. Maybe I'll meet them one day.

 “Every social association that is not face-to-face is injurious to your health”
― Nassim Nicholas Taleb

One lives in France, but we started out writing together in 2009, and she is the loveliest person. I truly love her. One lives in Sweden. Same as with the one in France, but we aren't quite as close, still I love her. One lived an hour from me for many years and we never met, but he was the only person who kept in touch with me the first time I left Facebook (I've left three times, once for years). I adore him! We met as fellow gardeners. He and I are like soulmates who agree on everything. A couple are new acquaintances, but we just "clicked," you know what I mean? 

 “It was as impersonal as the Internet itself, the object responsible for connecting you to long lost people in your life, and many new ones, none of whom you will ever see.”
― Kenneth Eade, Killer.com

Then one day I clicked into Twitter just to see if my account was still open for The Consummate Gardener so I could post links to my blog -- which I totally promised myself I was going to start posting in. Oh yeah -- that was the account I used ALSO for some limited politics. You can see where this is going, right? I was quite addicted to political twitter as a member of "The Resistance" during the last administration. It meant nothing to anyone. I had over 10,000 followers, all determined to take back congress and defeat our so-called *president, and I don't know who any of them are now, nor do I care. I quit that account long ago, deleted all politics from my gardening account, but a few seemed to slip through the cracks. I want to go in and delete them...and I will...I know I will...one day.

"Tempted to type meaningless twaddle all the time on Twitter...with alliteration, no less!"
E.A. Bucchianeri

You never know you're addicted until you try to stop. Every day, several times a day, I'll see something or do something and want to go post it on social media. Why? Do people really care? The answer is no. How do I know this? Because like I said, I quit Facebook three times. I also quit Twitter and Google+ when that was a thing. I told people I was quitting. Some of them wanted to keep in touch. We exchanged emails. Only two of them ever contacted me outside of social media. One literally begged me not to leave, said the only way she could talk to me was on Facebook. That's just pathetically sad. 

“Was going to post something on Facebook until I asked myself why.”
― David E Love

And don't get me started on streaming tv online. I like British detective and mystery shows, and lately have started watching Australian and Canadian TV. Why? Because I was looking for something to watch and found that I had watched ALL of the British detective and mystery shows, sometimes up to 20 seasons of them, then watched their spinoffs and am currently working on watching some of their prequels. I've also caught up on all the American TV shows I care to watch. I don't see commercials, because I stream things, so I'm not bombarded by ads, at least. Still, I've watched up to 16 hours of t.v. in a day. One weekend I binge watched an entire 3-season series.

“In its easy provision of relaxation and escape, television can be beneficial in limited doses. Yet when the habit interferes with the ability to grow, to learn new things, to lead an active life, then it does constitute a kind of dependence and should be taken seriously.”

— Robert Kubey and Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

Right now, I have a list of five things that are broken in my apartment that I haven't gotten fixed because I don't clean house because I'm either on social media or watching tv. I've already watched one tv show today. I reward myself for cleaning by watching more tv shows. 

I decided that during the pandemic, I would start a new hobby, so I started watching YouTube craft videos. I fell into the jewelry making videos, and that seemed like something I could love, so when I got my first stimulus check, I spent about $30 on jewelry making supplies, mostly from the Dollar Tree, which is big amongst the YT craft crowd. Then I watched more videos, and bought more supplies, and then a couple more every time I went to Dollar Tree (which was way too often). I've now spent over $150 on supplies and haven't made one piece of jewelry. I did mix a bit of homemade cold porcelain clay and make a few beads just for fun -- and because there was nothing to watch on TV -- but no jewelry. I have everything I need, I just haven't done it. 

Don't get me started on the van dwelling, moving to Mexico, dumpster diving, reselling from Goodwill and other videos I watch. I justify it by saying I'm learning something -- yeah, like how to avoid life. This person definitely was not watching videos on how to speak or write proper English, and she's a NYT best selling author -- with an excellent editor, no doubt. Sheesh.

I don't know where my internet addiction will end. Monday, my doctor told me to drink a gallon of water a day and get serious about the Mediterranean diet. But first, I need to clean my kitchen -- right after I watch the rest of this one tv show.

 “Too often too much social media and the latest internet trends drain us and erode us of creativity, drive, peace of mind and sense of purpose. ”
― Germany Kent

I'll leave you with this last thought, then I'm going to actually get up and fix myself a salad for lunch. Then I'm going outside to transplant some volunteer seedlings from the garden. After that, who knows? 

“The internet is used as not just a tool anymore but as part of our daily makeup. Almost like oxygen. Discipline goes a long way in protecting our sanity.”
― Torron-Lee Dewar, Creativity is Everything

 

 

 

 

Lupus and Why I Often Fail at What I Want to Accomplish

With lupus, heat is my worst enemy. Anything over 75F is hot to me. I live in Florida. You do the math.

Summer is hell for me. People who don't have lupus can never understand what heat does to me. It's like every ounce of energy is just sucked from my body. It's not the sun. I actually love the sun, and in the fall, winter and early spring, when it's cool and sunny, I'm in my element. It's the heat, not even the humidity, the heat itself. Yes, the humidity makes it feel hotter, but it's always humid here, and cool humidity is fine.

So this climate change stuff is making it crazy here this spring. Usually, it doesn't even start getting hot until May, but this year, it was up and down all through April. One day it would be in the 60s, the next in the mid-80s. When the weather changes like that, my body does not adapt well. When I get hot and my lupus starts to flare, it takes me sometimes two or three days to recover, so I'm good for nothing in the cool days that follow.

I wanted to do so much in April, and I did get some things done, but not as much as I should have. Toward the end of the month, I was unmotivated to do anything. Right now, it's taken me two days to get my kitchen halfway done. When I start flaring, I can't make plans. I can feel great one day, and not be able to get out of the bed the next. It's all I can do to get up some mornings and get my coffee, barely moving along, holding onto walls and furniture so I don't fall and break something. It takes me about two hours to fully wake up and get to feeling human. During that two hours, I have my coffee, eat breakfast, and take my meds. After my Ritalin kicks in, without which I cannot even think clearly, much less have energy to do anything, I climb off the bed, take a shower and start my day.

Some days I skip the shower; well, many days I skip the shower. Showers feel good, but unless I have somewhere to go, I usually just sponge bathe, maybe wash my hair if it's getting too bad. Showering is like work and although the warm water feels good on my aching joints, it doesn't leave me feeling refreshed. It's just another chore I have to get through.

Eating is yet another chore. I don't really enjoy eating, because of the energy it takes to prepare food. On bad days, when I'm devoid of energy and in a lot of pain, I sometimes live on liquid meal substitutes and fruit. I try to keep small frozen entrees available for days when it's all I can do to zap one in the microwave. In the summer, that's a lot of the time. In fact, I was making my grocery list yesterday and put "frozen meals" on it.

I didn't mean for this to be a dissertation. I just wanted to explain why it's so hard for me to stick to any kind of diet plan or routine when it comes to my weight and fitness. I've switched to the Mediterranean way of eating. I don't see it as a diet, only a change in what I was already eating, but like all plans, it sometimes takes more energy than I have just to eat, much less track foods and count calories.

So I'm doing the best I can while my body is fighting me every step of the way. I was going to join a gym, but it will have to be once it gets cooler, because I don't have the energy to even go to a gym right now, much less get on a treadmill or stationary bicycle.

I hope your day is going well, and I ask that you count your blessings if you don't have a serious, invisible disease that not even your family will accept that you suffer from. If you do, I understand, I believe you, and I feel your pain -- literally! LOL Much love and many hugs sent your way.

I Have a Car Now, and I Can't Believe How Much It Has Changed My Life!

So in my last post, I was whining about how horrible my life was, mostly because of not having a car. I hadn't had a car in ten years, and while I made do, it was becoming more and more apparent how it restricted my life. I got very frustrated by not being able to get where I wanted to go on the bus, and not being able to do much of anything in the summer because it was just too hot to ride the bus. 

My son read that post and felt the need to help me, so he showed up very unexpectedly to my house and when we went outside to take a picture to be framed, there was my car -- with a huge purple bow on it! I didn't realize what was going on until I said "Whose car is that with the big bow on it?" and my son said "That's your car!" It didn't really hit me for a second or two, but when it did, I went crazy!

Being as private as I am, I won't tell you what kind of car it is, or post a picture, but it's a small hatchback with plenty of room to haul around all my shopping and more. It gets great gas mileage, and has all kinds of cool features. It's a dark color, so I'll probably buy a light colored cover to keep it cooler in the summer, but it's just so pretty, I don't mind that. 

The Many Advantages of Having a Car

Some of the advantages of having a car are obvious, like not having to ride the bus and being unable to go to places buses don't go. Other advantages are that since this car gets such good gas mileage, not only can I go to stores when I need to, but it costs me less than paying someone to take me, since I live about 1.5 miles away from a huge shopping center (seriously, it's over a mile long and a half mile deep) that has every store I could ever want and is adding more all the time, so I can make five trips for what it used to cost me for one trip.

I don't have to wait and stockpile groceries now, because I can go more often. I can also go to stores I couldn't really go to before because they are farther away and the cost savings wasn't worth what I had to pay someone to take me.

I can also browse now, instead of worrying about tying up someone else's time by taking too long to shop. Since all the stores are so close together, I can spend hours going from store to store instead of having to rush in and out of just a couple so my ride can get back home. You don't know how wonderful that is, since I'm a "shopper," not a "consumer," so I like to look in shops to find out where the best and cheapest stuff can be bought. Plus, when I'm stressed, I like to just go window shopping. I hardly ever buy anything, but walking around looking at things I can dream about is just relaxing to me. Dreaming makes you plan and save, which is a good thing, and it also gives me lots of decorating ideas that I can do much cheaper on my own.

Getting Exercise? Not a Problem!

I was worried that I wouldn't walk enough now that I have the car, but I park it at the end of the parking lot where there is a space that is extra-large and forces me to walk a bit more. In parking lots, I always park way out at the end (weather permitting) to get some extra steps in. PLUS -- ADDED BONUS -- now I can go to the nature preserve about 2 miles away from here and walk the trails. It's a beautiful place with lovely boardwalks that go out over the wetlands, so you can watch all the animals, birds and plant life.  It will take me about 10 minutes to get there now, instead of 40 on the bus.

I'm looking into maybe volunteering at a botanical garden nearby, although it's getting a bit close to hot weather. I may wait until later when it's cooler to do that. Also, might get some kind of job for a couple of days a week, or teach some computer courses at the Senior Center. There are a lot of possibilities.

And as my older son pointed out, I can take day trips, like I always used to love to do. There is so much of this area I've never seen. I may even move out of Gainesville, but I sort of love my apartment, and while I love the country, it's a lot of work to live in the country and it costs more than most people think. Still, I could look for something with a little bit more of a yard maybe. We'll see. 

A Car Means More Independence

Anyway, I'm so grateful to my son for doing this for me, and I'm going to use it to my best advantage to better my life and make money so I can be more self-sufficient, healthier and happier. I've always felt so bad about being so poor in my old age and knowing I would have to depend on them when I get unable to care for myself. I don't like being dependent, and this will help me be more independent while I am able, at least. 

Speaking of being independent, I need to go get some white vinegar so I can clean my garden tools tomorrow, but first, I have to finish putting away the 10 lbs. of chicken I just cooked.

Have a lovely day!

I Can't Go On Pretending Everything Is Fine in My Life

MY

LIFE

SUCKS

I'm putting all of this in writing because nobody listens when I talk to them, so I just pretend everything's fine to make other people feel better. No more. Maybe nobody will read this, and even if they do, many of them will blow it off and forget about it. I've had to face the fact that I have no true friends. Not one. Social media friends don't count. They aren't real friends, and you know how I know? Because when I quit social media, they all want to know how to stay in touch with me, and I tell them -- but they never do.

I never thought I'd be living like this in my old age. I've been pretending for so long that I'm o.k. with it, but I"m not. I'm not. I'm not o.k. 

I had a job, a car, a house, a life. It wasn't much, but it was mine. Then it was all gone, and now I have nothing but this dinky little apartment where I'm faced with parting with most of the things I treasure because it's too small to hold them, and I can't afford anything else. I'm literally STUCK here because rents have gone up so much, I can't afford to move, and I want to move. I want to move out of this state. Florida is a horrible hunk of red shit that makes me want to puke every day I wake up in it.

I live on a little more than $1,000 a month, and that's just if I count the food stamps. My SS check is $834 and the food stamps are $188. If I get a job, I'll lose my health care, because I can't make enough to cover everything that will be taken away from me if I earn too much. I have no savings. None. Zilch. Zip. Nada.

Oh, WAIT -- I can't get a job because I don't have a car, and there's a pandemic, and there are no fucking jobs anyway, so just forget about that. My life only consists of what lies within a 2 mile radius of my apartment right now. I can't even ride the bus to go anywhere else.

I never in my entire life thought I'd be 68 years old living in a tiny apartment, getting most of my furniture from besides dumpsters, and not have enough money to own a car. Never. It never crossed my mind. When I lost it all -- job, car, house, savings -- I thought I'd move here and ride the bus awhile, work online and everything would be o.k.

It's been 10 years. It's not o.k. It's not going to be o.k. I'm not going to be o.k. Nothing is ever going to be o.k. again.

The things that I pretend are important to me are not important. I don't give a shit about my garden, in fact, I want it gone -- just gone so I never have to worry about it again. In fact, I'm working on just that -- getting rid of it all. When the one thing that was keeping you going doesn't matter anymore, it's time to stop pretending.

Social media is depressing as hell. I hate it. I don't know why I'm on it, except it's my only contact with the outside world, aside from the person who gives me a ride to the store, who is probably going to give me COVID one day because he's so damned irresponsible. My other choice is the bus. I guess it doesn't matter where I get COVID, because I know I'll get it sooner or later, and I probably won't survive. That's not actually an unhappy thought.

I had dreams once, but I have none now. I've been in survival mode so long, I don't know how to actually live, which I guess is o.k., since I have no real life.

 So I just keep living this miserable, worthless, meaningless life because if I did something to end it, my children would blame it all on themselves and it would mess up their lives. God knows, I've messed up their lives enough with my horrible parenting for so many years. I don't know why they even talk to me anymore. 

No, this isn't just depression. No, I won't snap out of it in a few days. This is the absolute end of pretending that my life is anything other than it is, and that I'm ever happy, because I'm not. I doubt I ever will be again. 

This is the end of the person you think you know on social media. That's not me. This is me. Just so you'll know before I quit social media again, close all my blogs and sink into oblivion.

I know no one will read this, but it makes me feel better just to write it. 

.

30-Day No Social Media/TV Challenge - Day 7

 

This will be short. I broke the challenge yesterday because it was a holiday and I was in a lot of pain, and could barely cook my dinner. I decided to just let go and enjoy myself for the day, so I watched TV and went on social media, and I'm not going to feel bad about it.

I had so much planned for this period with no social media or TV, but injuring myself has put me into a very bad place. Most of what I had planned concerned working in the garden and starting to reconfigure my apartment, which involves lots of lifting and dragging and digging and toting.and bending over -- all things I just can't do without pain right now.

 I have a friend who wants to help, but he wants to do things his way, and doesn't listen well, so I have to repeat things to him 10 times or stop him from doing it his way when I just told him how I wanted it done. I'm just a mental, emotional, and physical wreck right now, and working with him is like trying to get a small child to clean his room -- you usually end up doing most of it yourself.

So I've been doing a lot of resting and doing little chores that I can do before they turn into big chores I can't so until my strained muscle heals. Today, I had to water the gardens, which was like torture, but I couldn't just sit and let everything die. I probably won't get much done for the next few days, until this muscle heals a bit, but I'm playing the turtle these days, not the hare. Somehow I know it will all be fine in the end, even if the end takes much longer to get here.

I had a nice video call with my sons yesterday. I just love them so much. I don't think they know how seeing them and hearing their voices lifts my spirit and strengthens my resolve to stay alive so I can spend more time with them.

I'm going to get back to my doing of tiny things now, so I can justify my much needed long breaks inbetween. Have a lovely day, and keep a positive outlook. There will be a vaccine soon, and maybe by summer, things will be rushing quickly back to normal.

 

30 Day No Social Media/TV challenge - Day 3 - Eight Hours in a God Awful Hospital Emergency Room

The last few days have been stressful, to say the least.  Yesterday, I ended up in the emergency room for 9 hours. I had fallen 11 days prior, and was fine for a week, but then my right chest started hurting really badly. It got so bad Sunday, that I decided that if it wasn't better by Monday, I would go to the doctor. So I woke up Monday morning, and could barely straighten up without intense pain stabbling through my chest. I made it to the kitchen, took some OTC pain meds, got a cup of tea, and went back to call the Dr's office. Turns out, my doctor decided to take this week off. I'm praying he isn't one of the stupid people who is having a huge Thanksgiving family gathering, but it's always possible. To top it all off, no one else was available. They wanted to set me up on a televisit with a nurse practitioner, but I decided to just go to the ER instead.

My friend who usually drives me to my appointments was  not available, so I called an ambulance. They were very nice, as well they should be, since ambulances charge $500+ to take you 5 miles to the hospital. Then, they don't file claims with insurance, so you have to do all that yourself, and fight with Medicare and Medicaid to get it paid. Being old is so much fun. 😒

Got there, and it was a madhouse. They stuck me in a corridor and literally forgot about me. After 2 hours, I grabbed a nurse who was walking by and asked to go to the bathroom. She said "Who's your nurse?" I said I didn't know, and she said she'd find out. She evidently didn't find out, because nobody ever came. She walked back by about half an hour later, and asked if my nurse had come, and I said no, so she took me to the bathroom, and said I could just go by myself from now on, since I was ambulatory. 

About an hour later, I asked someone for water, and again, they asked "Who's your nurse?" I again said "I don't know, " so they looked it up on the computer and said "I'll go get her." My thought was that it would have taken less time to just go get me some freaking water. I didn't get the water, so I grabbed someone else about 30 minutes later, and he had to ask if I could have water. Luckily, a nurse standing right there nodded her head, and he got me a small glass of ice and water. 

After 4 hours of being completely ignored, I decided I had to take drastic measures, so I went to the information desk, told them the pain in my chest was getting worse and I had a horrible headache, and I really needed to see a doctor or even my nurse. Again "Who's your nurse?" I answered with tears (of anger, not pain, but they didn't need to know that...right?) "I have no idea! Nobody will tell me who she is, and I haven't seen her once since I've been here." The male nurse said he would go get a doctor right away, and he was there within ten minutes, ordered me some tylenol and ibuprofen and ordered all sorts of tests. For the next couple of hours, I had blood drawn, a gazillion x-rays, an ekg, more blood drawn, and another ekg.  

After this flurry of activity, I finally saw my nurse. She must have been "spoken to," because she turned my bed around so she could see me, which was a ridiculous statement, since her sight was blocked by a supplies cabinet. This women was not all together, I'm telling you. Then she disappeared  I finally asked someone if I could have something to eat, not having eaten since 7 a.m., and she said she was going to go ask the doctor. She came back by with sandwiches, but didn't even look at me. A few minutes later, I saw my nurse again, so I asked her if I could have something to eat, and told her I had asked someone before, but they never came back to me. My nurse spotted the doctor and asked if I could eat, but then she just walked off. The other nurse (NOT my nurse) came over and asked if I would like a ham or turkey sandwich and a gatorade, and about 10 minutes later, she brought it to me. I never did see my nurse again, and don't know her name to this day.

Finally, when the shift changed, someone came and moved me. He wasn't my nurse, but my new nurse did actually show up and talk to me this time, and wanted to take more blood for some heart enzyme test they had given me that had to be taken every 3 hours. I had no idea why they were testing my heart, so I said NO to the test, said I wanted to go home, and he went to find the doctor.

A few minutes later, a resident and her student helper also showed up, and a few minutes later a doctor showed up.  He said "I hear you want to go home."  I asked why my heart was being tested, and he said the doctor who ordered the test was acting on with an abundance of caution, and he works on an abundance of common sense. He said he didn't think I needed the test, that he thought it was a strained muscle, and he was going to release me. Oh Happy Day! 

I called my friend who agreed to come pick me up.. I also called my younger son, who I'd been talking to off and on through the ordeal. He always cheers me up immensely, so by the time my paperwork was done, I was smiling and feeling glad the ordeal was over. 

If I have a choice, I will never go back to that hospital ER again. It's a very good hospital, and I don't know what their excuse is for being so slack is, but next time, I'll ask to go to the other hospital in town. I hear it treats people much better. 

Oh - I forgot. The one person I did see was the lab tech who came by to give me a COVID test. She said as soon as they got the negative results back, they'd move me into a room. That never happened, and when I was leaving, 8 hours later, my nurse told me that they hadn't processed it yet.

I kept my mask on the entire time, and I hope that was enough to save me from contracting COVID. I got notification this morning that my test came back negative, so I'm crossing my fingers. 

Anyway, I didn't use social media or watch TV on day 3, obviously, but I wish I had just taken the tele-viisit with the nurse-practitioner, gone down to their lab and gotten my x-rays and gotten home in a couple of hours. Lessons learned. 

  

30-Day No Social Media/TV Challenge - Day 2

 

Yesterday was pretty much a fiasco. It finally stopped raining, so I decided to wash clothes. Before I had gotten out to the street, I spied my friend on his scooter, who informed me that all the dryers in the laundry room were still broken, and they were getting them fixed on Monday. Not having a car, I have no choice but to wash a couple of outfits by hand and hang them to dry in the house.

Then I tried to log into a site to make some quick money, and found my credentials no longer worked. I sent them a support ticket, but who knows when I'll hear back from them. Well, guess what? I heard from them this morning, and was able to reset my password and get in.

So, today, after the hassles of yesterday, I decided to do as I usually do and take Sunday off. I watched some YouTube videos on making beads (my new hobby), but still am not watching any TV or going on social media --- well, except to post this, but that doesn't count.

My son sent me a great video on gratitude, so I'll probably start doing some gratitude posts on here too. With thanksgiving coming up, it's nice to think of all we should be thankful for.

Don't know what the rest of the day will bring, but whatever it is, I won't let it rattle me.

Have a lovely Sunday, and remember to count your blessings!

30-Day No Social Media / TV Challenge - Day 1

Well, things didn't get started so well this morning. Had a sleepless night, so I was up until 2 a.m., then shut the 7 a.m. alarm off and actually woke up at 10:00 a.m.  My plan for the day was already changed, because I had intended to get started by 8 a.m. Go figure. Best laid plans, and all that stuff.

So I figure I'll just tell you why I feel the need to do this challenge, and what all is involved. 

COVID-19 has made me face my mortality. I'm 68 years old, with underlying conditions I won't bore you with. I'm a fatalist and a worrier, so of course, I got depressed. I kept fighting the depression, but feeling like I wasn't going to make it out of this alive just made it worse. 

Being somewhat of a loner and not at all sociable, I figured not being able to get out much and socialize wouldn't bother me. I was wrong. It isn't that I necessarily want to do things, it's that I can't. When I got bored, I used to be able to walk down to the Goodwill and look for treasures. I'd get on the bus and go do my shopping, or go downtown to the library. I'd have plant sales and plant trades and meet all sorts of neat, new gardeners. All of that was taken away from me. 

Worst of all, the one thing I looked forward to all year, having my son visit me for Christmas, was taken away. I started missing all the things that I'd lost instead of being happy for all the things I had.

Then summer hit, and due to health issues that are exacerbated by heat, I couldn't go outside except for short periods of time due to the heat. Everything which involved going outside had to be done early in the morning, leaving me forced to stay inside the rest of the day. Summer is something I suffer through, praying for October, but this year, October was even hot, so I had one less month of nice, cool weather when I could actually go outside and walk and get fresh air.

It's gotten to the point where all I have done for months is play in my garden, hang out on social media, and watch t.v. I've binged watched so many UK detective and mystery shows, that I've run out and am now watching Aussie shows! I've made small attempts at making money, but it all just seemed pointless, so I gave up. I tried to take walks, but only made it as far as the Dollar General for basic necessities or Walgreens to get my prescriptions. My friend takes me grocery shopping once every two weeks, and sometimes we stop by Lowe's and look at the plants, but we haven't even done that lately.

Then there was the election, which I got way too wrapped in, to the point that it became the main thing on my mind 24/7. I was either on Twitter or watching MSNBC for way too many hours a day. I finally quit Twitter, because all the anger and name calling and hatefulness was making things worse. Well, I didn't quit completely, I just unfollowed all of my political tweeple and found some wonderful gardening people who post beautiful pictures of flowers and birds, and threads about songs you love, which cheer me up. Strangely enough, most of them are from the UK, which is fine with me, since I'm a total anglophile. Nevertheless, I spent less time there, since I didn't have 3,000 people yelling all day about politics.

Everything in my life went to hell in a handbasket, as it is wont to do when you just don't give a damn. The other day, I looked around me at my messy house, realized I hadn't bathed for four days, or changed clothes. The only time I really change clothes is when I go out shopping. I haven't washed clothes in weeks, not that I have that many clothes, but when you never change them...you get the idea.

So today was going to be a day of setting up some work for the rest of the week, washing clothes and linens, and cleaning house. It still will be, but I may not get as far with it as I had hoped. Still, anything accomplished is better than nothing, right? So it's 12:36 pm, and I still haven't showered or had breakfast. I'd better get going.

Have a lovely day, and tune in tomorrow to see how much I actually accomplished today. 

COVID19: Turns Out, It IS the Small Stuff That's Important

 

We always hear "Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff," but it seems the small stuff is now becoming the big stuff.

 

I believe when this pandemic is over, we're all going to rush back not to the huge events, but to the tiny things that we didn't realize were important until we lost them. When it started, and we thought it would be over in the summer, we had not yet started to miss the summer things. Now we not only miss the little summer things, but are starting to miss the little fall and winter things in advance, because we know we can't have them. 

 

These are a few of the things I miss the most.

• Hugs. I really, REALLY miss hugs. When this is over, I'm going to go stand in front of WalMart with a sign that says "free hugs here," and just hug everyone I see.
• Visiting. I'm something of a recluse, so I figured being isolated wouldn't bother me too much, but I've found that visiting with neighbors and friends is something I miss very much. Most of my friends are older, like me, and 99% of them aren't online, so all I can do is talk on the phone. The ones who are online only want to text, and I hate texting, so communication with them has become very limited. I really miss that person-to-person interaction, even on the rare occasions that I initiated it or accepted it.
• Smiling and speaking to people in public.  I love smiling and speaking to people. Being from the South, a large part of our social interaction is chatting to complete strangers in grocery stores. I left SW Florida in part because not many people chat in grocery stores, and if you try to, they look at you like you're crazy. Up here in N. Florida, which is considered the "deep south" of Florida, it's so nice to have people who actually like chatting in the cereal aisle, or giving each other tips about what brands are best and when they're going on sale. In my home town of Columbia, SC, we would actually exchange recipes for tailgating snacks in the store during college football season. Seriously, we carried them around in our purses. It was one of those "southern things."
• Riding the bus. It was so much fun to be able to hop a bus and go anywhere in town. Sometimes it meant taking hours to get there, but usually was well worth it. I loved chatting with the drivers and other passengers, seeing all the students getting on and off.
• Thrift shopping. Our Goodwill is open, but I can't safely go there. I talked to a friend and she says it's a madhouse, social distancing is not possible, and they aren't enforcing the mask ordinance. I really, really need new clothes, but I guess I'll have to wait. It's not just the packed stores, it's the not knowing who's touched the clothes you're going to put on your body to try on.
  
• Browsing.  I love window shopping, just cruising the sidewalks, peering into the little mom-and-pop shops. I used to go to a store and slowly peruse every aisle, touching and holding things, and getting ideas for projects or activities. I hate all this rushing in and out of everywhere. I especially miss being able to wander around garden centers, being overwhelmed with the colors and scents, discovering what's new, picturing the plants in my own gardens.
  
• Trusting people. I generally hold the philosophy that most people are good. Now I look at anyone who isn't masked, has it pulled down or only over their mouth as a threat to me. I try not to, but I know sometimes they can see the fear in my eyes. I wonder if they feel the same way, and it makes me sad that it's come to this. How can we not be divided, when we can't trust each other not to spread a deadly disease to us or our loved ones?

 Life will get back to "normal" one day, or will it? Will we ever be able to do the things we used to do and trust that we won't die from it? As the winter cold and flu season approaches, will every cough and sneeze seize us with panic? I lived through the AIDS epidemic in the 80s, and that was so different. Yes, we were afraid, but of tangible things like blood transfusions and unsafe sex, not having people simply breathe, cough or sneeze on us.  Will we ever recover from this fear for our own mortality and be able to feel safe again?

 

Only time will tell.